I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
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Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!