@thequeensheart

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

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@OrangeFact

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

@HoldinCoffeeld

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

@mommatotwo_

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

@Mike__Lee

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

@4SLars

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

@kwirkyKerri

I’m just going to cut out the middle man and start cashing my paychecks at the liquor store.

@ch000ch

me: wtf how am i getting life in prison for running over an eagle with my car

my lawyer: again, that was the Philadelphia Eagles mascot

@DanOverHere

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

@hdaniels_00

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence