I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
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*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”