@TinaMav

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

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@InternetHippo

Health care reform is a tough sell politically. How do you campaign against health insurance companies, whom everyone loves

@KeetPotato

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

@AKATriple

So apparently it’s rude if somebody asks if you have a light & you tell them they’ll have to go to the end of the tunnel to find it…

@Hormonella

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

@causticbob

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

@LukeMones

Just saw an old lady give up her seat to another old lady on the subway…polite or the ultimate shade?

@murrman5

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

@Just__J0

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

@inikoblue

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.