Health care reform is a tough sell politically. How do you campaign against health insurance companies, whom everyone loves
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
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[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
So apparently it’s rude if somebody asks if you have a light & you tell them they’ll have to go to the end of the tunnel to find it…
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Just saw an old lady give up her seat to another old lady on the subway…polite or the ultimate shade?
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.