I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
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That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Nice try, NASA
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back