I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
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a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information