I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
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Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.