I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
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When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.