I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
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are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Happy weekend !
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.