Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I just found out five people I went to high school with are dead. What’s taking the rest of them so long?
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ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
(Starbucks drive thru) Me: I’d like to pay-it-forward for the car behind me.
Barista: That will be $30
Me: How much for the car behind him?
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
My Wife’s nickname for me is “Microsoft” because I’m good with computers.
Hold on guys, she’s not done laughing.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Roses are red
Love has many factors
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later