I just found out five people I went to high school with are dead. What’s taking the rest of them so long?

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You’d be surprised how many strangers will let you hug them when you approach with open arms & a big smile.

None. I’ve been stabbed 3 times


“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs


Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.


What do we want?


When do we want it?



Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*


Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.


day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen


I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.


Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:


Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now