@GaryJanetti

I just found out five people I went to high school with are dead. What’s taking the rest of them so long?

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@BoogTweets

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

@dave_cactus

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

@faulkingway

(Starbucks drive thru) Me: I’d like to pay-it-forward for the car behind me.
Barista: That will be $30
Me: How much for the car behind him?

@ayyyyloser

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

@fro_vo

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

@LosLos__

My Wife’s nickname for me is “Microsoft” because I’m good with computers.

RIGHT HONEY?

Hold on guys, she’s not done laughing.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

@MelKassel

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later