Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
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cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.