@joeljeffrey

I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.

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@dulcetry

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

@ItsAndyRyan

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

@notacroc

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

@ellewasamistake

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

@NotThatNixon

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

@Ilikerockme

I don’t have daddy issues.
I’m British.
I have *father* issues.

@TheDailySchmuck

Him: It should be illegal for white people to wear dreads.

Me: Are you Italian, my brother?

Him: No.

Me: Then no more pizza for you.

@Mardigroan

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

@AmishPornStar1

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

@NoogsCorner

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.