I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.

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One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.


Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”


Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda


so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*


Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.


I don’t have daddy issues.
I’m British.
I have *father* issues.


Him: It should be illegal for white people to wear dreads.

Me: Are you Italian, my brother?

Him: No.

Me: Then no more pizza for you.


Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.


You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.


After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.