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Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Aight bet
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush