@kelly__le

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

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@RobbyRob313

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

@Ygrene

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

@figgled

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

@ThugRaccoons

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

@CoopSoSarc

Maybe I’m just drunk, but this toilet looks alot like my neighbors car.

@0kilyDokily

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

@SlayerSays

Pretty certain the only way I’d ever be involved in gardening is if someone murdered me & planted me in their garden.

@rockymomax

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre