[at a farm]
Dairy cow: Oooh that tickles
Sheep: Look I got a new “hairdo”
Chicken: Cool I didn’t want to know any of my children anyway
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
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“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I’ll never call a radio station because I’m afraid they’ll give me tickets to go somewhere and do something.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone