I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
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white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
gm
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you