I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

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[at a farm]

Dairy cow: Oooh that tickles

Sheep: Look I got a new “hairdo”

Chicken: Cool I didn’t want to know any of my children anyway


“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that


NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression


I’ll never call a radio station because I’m afraid they’ll give me tickets to go somewhere and do something.


Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.


Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.


Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave


me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
wife: wtf just happened


“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone