I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
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Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.