I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
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“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics