I just found out that his full name is actually Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.

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Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.


Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!


7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches


Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.


[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?


I’ve completely changed my eating habits this week, so if I call you bad names, you’ve been forewarned.


The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.


Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.


Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.