@GrantTanaka

I just found out that his full name is actually Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.

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@robdelaney

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

@Pork_Chop_Hair

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

@putyoursisterd1

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

@EdgarAllanLo

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

@MissColdHeart9

I’ve completely changed my eating habits this week, so if I call you bad names, you’ve been forewarned.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

@Ruth_A_Buzzi

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

@Laser_Cat

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.