@datingdecisions

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

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@robfee

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

@crylenol

Commercial for Twitter dot com:

*man yells nonsense out his window*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

@squirrel74wkgn

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

@NewDadNotes

*cat rubs against genie lamp*
G: you get one wish
Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table*
G: guess who just wished for a dog

@michael_raphone

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

@ianpauldukes

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

@thatUPSdude

Her: So, how did you get that scar on your chin?

Me: *flashes back to slipping in the shower* Hunting wild boar.

@jus4golf

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

@EwinsEamon

Overheard greasy spoon cafe wisdom:

“You don’t wash your hands. You stand and watch your hands wash each other.”

Think on.