I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
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Commercial for Twitter dot com:
*man yells nonsense out his window*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?
You’re on my hair
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
*cat rubs against genie lamp*
G: you get one wish
Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table*
G: guess who just wished for a dog
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Her: So, how did you get that scar on your chin?
Me: *flashes back to slipping in the shower* Hunting wild boar.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Overheard greasy spoon cafe wisdom:
“You don’t wash your hands. You stand and watch your hands wash each other.”