I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
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Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs