I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.