I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

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Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to


– I’d like to make a reservation.
– Name?
– Matthew McConaughey.
– Can you spell that for me?
– No.


Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.


*Rises from ashes like a Phoenix *

*hits snooze, and goes back into ashes for another 9 min *


My daughter said she was in a memoir. I was intrigued until I realized what she said was meme war.

Whatever tickles your fancy, Love.


Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months


[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do


Me: I am sad, we don’t have any cookie crumble for my ice cream.
Wife: lots of things make me sad, like being married to a giant man baby


Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.


It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.