@Awk0Tacoo

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

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@ArfMeasures

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

@SamuelHLowe

– I’d like to make a reservation.
– Name?
– Matthew McConaughey.
– Can you spell that for me?
– No.

@ClassADude

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

@Eden_Eats

*Rises from ashes like a Phoenix *

*hits snooze, and goes back into ashes for another 9 min *

@SumbodyShootMe

My daughter said she was in a memoir. I was intrigued until I realized what she said was meme war.

Whatever tickles your fancy, Love.

@CrockettForReal

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

@TheCatWhisprer

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

@tryped

Me: I am sad, we don’t have any cookie crumble for my ice cream.
Wife: lots of things make me sad, like being married to a giant man baby

@JediGigi

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

@Marcmywords2

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.