i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
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If looks could kill
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
WHY would you be happy about this?
Passwords are more important than ever.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.