@CopBroughtPizza

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

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@thatdutchperson

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

@sip_at_home_mom

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

@CindyBegel

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

@TheHatStore

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

@JJSummertime

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

@david8hughes

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

@Lisabug74

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

@BrassBallsCJ

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

@AdamTheLobster

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

@Rollinintheseat

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.