[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
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I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
acrobat: what can I get you
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
I want to hit her with my car
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.