i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
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drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows