well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
You Might Also Like
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake