Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.