Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
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Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
So many village idiots. So few dragons.