I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
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I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.