@Poutymcgee

I just Googled “Living with Glaucoma” before realising it was just a fingerprint smudge on my glasses.

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@GloGurL

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

@offbeatoliv

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

@envydatropic

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

@Tups13

As a cat burglar most of my late night break-ins are actually well orchestrated attempts to pet other peoples animals.

@charmfoz

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

@XplodingUnicorn

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

@TheOutli3R

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

@AbbyHasIssues

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

@jamdugg

*Speed dating*

“Hi there. So what do you do?”

“DO YOU HAVE ANY SPEED OR WHAT?”