am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
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I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
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5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days