I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I just Googled “Living with Glaucoma” before realising it was just a fingerprint smudge on my glasses.
You Might Also Like
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
As a cat burglar most of my late night break-ins are actually well orchestrated attempts to pet other peoples animals.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
“Hi there. So what do you do?”
“DO YOU HAVE ANY SPEED OR WHAT?”