I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

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Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.


I’ll pronounce vegan “veegan”,

when vegetables become “veegetables”.


I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…


Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”


I told my kids it was Easter today. They’ve been outside for 7 hours looking for eggs


*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*


When I hear the word “aftermath” –
it always makes me hungry.

At school, lunch period followed
Math class, so we ate “aftermath”


Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning


If “Cops” has taught me anything it’s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they’re nothing but trouble…


Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time