@AmishPornStar1

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

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@Inferno_V

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

@GoldenSpirals

I’ll pronounce vegan “veegan”,

when vegetables become “veegetables”.

@WilliamRodgers

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

@JustCaseyAF

I told my kids it was Easter today. They’ve been outside for 7 hours looking for eggs

@squirrel74wkgn

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

@SteveKoehler22

When I hear the word “aftermath” –
it always makes me hungry.

At school, lunch period followed
Math class, so we ate “aftermath”

@CyrusMMcQueen

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

@kangel76

If “Cops” has taught me anything it’s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they’re nothing but trouble…

@thepunningman

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time