I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
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I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?