Bruh PLEASE
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Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Going into Monday like
Tuesday
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief