I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
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Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform