*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
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I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow
ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don?
[I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry