@KizerBillhelm

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

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@murrman5

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

@joci2203

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

@girlontapas

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

@AmishPornStar1

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

@Home_Halfway

FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow
ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don?
[I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don

@Dawn_M_

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

@panmidwest

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

@DanMentos

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry