@murrman5
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
@KizerBillhelm
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
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@murrman5
@katiefzack
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
@joci2203
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
@girlontapas
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
@AmishPornStar1
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
@Home_Halfway
FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow
ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don?
[I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don
@Chhapiness
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
@Dawn_M_
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
@panmidwest
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
@DanMentos
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry