I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
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I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Lube but for my dry humor.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.