I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
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Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao