I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
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Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”