I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
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I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see