@free_mattress

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

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@mommajessiec

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

@fillthevacuum

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

@jellybnbonanza

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

@SeanEmeny

People who have wheels on their office chair, how do you get any work done?

@spinnellii

birthday cards don’t be coming with checks no more. which is wild because 12 year old me didn’t need that $50 like 31 year old me needs that $50. our system is broken.

@sixfootcandy

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

@9to5Life

Sometimes I think we’re all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.

@IvoryGazelle

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no