8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
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*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
People who have wheels on their office chair, how do you get any work done?
birthday cards don’t be coming with checks no more. which is wild because 12 year old me didn’t need that $50 like 31 year old me needs that $50. our system is broken.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Sometimes I think we’re all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?