I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
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*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
all that yoga finally paid off
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.