Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
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Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed