I just got an eyelash in my eye and I’m yelling at it cuz it’s supposed to prevent this shit from happening like, “YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB.”

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Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.


Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher



~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.


“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer


An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.


Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one


Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.


me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?


The last beer didn’t tell me why life is so confusing but it told me the next one would.