I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
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Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…