I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
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If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.