I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

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Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for


I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.


my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too


Oh you’re a jogger? Good for you. I just burned 3000 calories in under 30 minutes.

Can’t believe I forgot that pizza was in the oven.


It was only after I started dancing in the food court – alone – that I learned flash mobs are planned…


I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I’m Asian.


You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.


Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.


Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?


What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?