I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

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My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.


Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*


[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]


Bad news, the police just seized our German holiday bread. They said it was stollen. Folks, they said it was stollen.


This day in history. 1888. Police received the “From Hell” letter from Jack the Ripper threatening further monstrous attacks on the English language.


My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.


Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife


Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too