“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
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I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running