@AbbyHasIssues

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

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@briangaar

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

@KKAlwaysSays

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

@UnFitz

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

@DoritosOverHoes

“YOUR 15” is trending worldwide instead of “YOU’RE 15” and that’s why we haven’t found a cure for cancer yet.

@iamk1ts

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

@ABurgerADay

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

@AGreaterMonster

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that the best career choice is divorce lawyer.

@WilliamAder

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

@shariv67

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.