I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

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Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers


Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball


7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.


“YOUR 15” is trending worldwide instead of “YOU’RE 15” and that’s why we haven’t found a cure for cancer yet.


As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God


Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.


If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that the best career choice is divorce lawyer.


My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.


Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.