I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
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[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
“what that mouth do?” complain
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Sorry. Not sorry
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…