Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
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Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I have a black belt in leather
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”