I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called. Apparently stabbing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.

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the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake


Work from home culture is keeping emergency pants by the front door in case someone knocks.


Sorry about your lost dog.

If you liked it, then you should’ve put a leash on it.
If you liked it, then you should’ve put a leash on it.


I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.


My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.


I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?


A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.


Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.


Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my husband the silent treatment and I didn’t want him to bless me