@VeryRudeTweets

I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called. Apparently stabbing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.

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@YuckyTom

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

@malloryomeara

Work from home culture is keeping emergency pants by the front door in case someone knocks.

@SadPeruna

Sorry about your lost dog.

If you liked it, then you should’ve put a leash on it.
If you liked it, then you should’ve put a leash on it.

@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

@FreudsTwin

My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.

@weinerdog4life

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

@KrunkedRobot

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

@Megatronic13

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

@chrissyissie

Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my husband the silent treatment and I didn’t want him to bless me