Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
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My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.