[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
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Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”