@PleaseBeGneiss

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

- @PleaseBeGneiss

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@aka_fatman

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

@jonnysun

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

@TheBlessMess

My roadside emergency kit is a black wig, a disco ball and a bottle of vodka. Might as well have fun while I wait to be murdered.

@FU_TangClan

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

@BlindChow

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

@malt_skull

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

@wittwitbarista

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

@Brianhopecomedy

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.