I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
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If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.