@tastefactory

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

@toomanytoes

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

@freypalm

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

@shariv67

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

@ANNIEwayyyy

Just bought gas for $1.32/gallon. Don’t own a car but couldn’t pass up the bargain.

@iamspacegirl

[answering door on halloween]

NEIGHBORHOOD MOM:
please stop giving the children hamsters

ME *hands full of hamsters*:
but it’s Halloween

@yerpalmildsauce

Here it is, folks:

“Do imaginary octopi have …

(wait for it)

(wait for it)

PRETENDACLES?”

@Jake_Vig

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

@VisionBored1

Dear toy companies stop telling me your product will provide hours of family fun it will provide two minutes of interest followed by ten tantrums and exclamations of THIS IS BORING