I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Ron is short for Aaronald
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.