I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
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I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.