Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
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I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Accurate
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know