I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

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I was in a 3rd grade talent show and told a few jokes. I quickly got escorted off the stage because I’m 30 and should be at work.


Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.


My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.


dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”OutrageousM”;s:5:”image”;s:62:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1646997728/image_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”218726600659845120″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”131″;s:5:”tweet”;s:87:”Somewhere in a parallel universe a small toe is beating the shit out of a coffee table.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:2;}


If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..


Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to



me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?