I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
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Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
These aren’t even hard anymore.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.